Monday, March 29, 2004

From a Close Friend

These nuggets were passed to me by a close friend. I think she needs some prayer:

**frustration, the post isn't coming out they way i am typing it, so i'm sorry you don't get to read them as she wrote them**

1) the stoic attitude of 'suffer in silence'
might be ok for some
though it becomes hard for external piece picking
i think its better to explode than to implode - someone will notice

2) the pain strikes at odd hours
at inconveniencing times
mostly when there is the most love

3) at least when you explode someone notices
imploding hurts so. much. more.
i would know
though you haven't seen it.
how could you?
my heart exploded and i fell on it
covered in my own blood and pain
i looked up to see
no one

4) some would say that it is bad to envision and plan your own death. but at least then you are prepared

5) its hard to hurt with your eyes closed
'cause then you don't see the hands reaching out
though-do you really want to?

6) though i crave so desperately the love of a man
i fear that i could never release myself on him
to bad for both of us i suppose

7) its scary to think about how much pain i have absorbed. scarier to think of how much i have inflicted. will they ever be even?

8) sometimes i wonder if you can see straight into my soul. but if you could you would run. run hard. run fast. and i doubt you would come back. you know you wouldn't.

9) it must be nice to be charmed.
i'm not sure i'd want to be.

10) a damaged heart beats differently

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Mortality and Selfishness

I went to see my Grandparents this weekend while I was home. I see them every time I go home, but this time was a little different.

My Grandma and Grandpa are thinking of entering a retirement residence. My Grandpa will be 90 this summer, and my Grandma 85 in the fall. They'll have been married for 65 years this September. And they still live and function on their own. But things are getting harder (naturally).

My Grandpa has started talking in the line of, "Well I just have to make it till October." My cousin Katherine's wedding is in October. And when he says things like that I want to retort with, "Too bad buster, you've gotta stay alive till I get married, and heaven knows when that will be!?"

But that is selfish. He's had a good life. And his quality (and her quality) of life are fading. They aren't comfortable. And if he wants to die after October then he should be allowed to go. But I don't want him to. I want my children to meet Sterling Stewart. I want them to meet a strong Christian man that has walked with Jesus through his whole life. I want them to learn to play the harmonica from him, and the little songs that us grandchildren learned. I want my Grandma to teach my daughter how to knit and go with us to a UCW tea & bazaar.

I'm sorry Grandma and Grandpa for being selfish. Its just that I love you guys so much and I want to share that with every generation I can.

(i'm stupid crying now. way to go.)

Wednesday, March 24, 2004



Spit in my face, you Jews, and pierce my side,
Buffet, and scoff, scourge, and crucify me,
For I have sinn'd, and sinne', and only He,
Who could do no iniquity, hath died.
But by my death can not be satisfied
My sins, which pass the Jews' impiety.
They kill'd once an inglorious man, but I
Crucify him daily, being now glorified.
O let me then His strange love still admire ;
Kings pardon, but He bore our punishment ;
And Jacob came clothed in vile harsh attire,
But to supplant, and with gainful intent ;
God clothed Himself in vile man's flesh, that so
He might be weak enough to suffer woe.

-John Donne

For Gideon - My Christmas Adventure

some of you have heard this...

Five Christmases (english majors help me out here) ago I was celebrating with the rest of the Clan Stewart at Uncle Peter and Aunt Rosemary's house. The men had just come up from milking the cows and we were about to open our Christmas crackers. I had been playing my guitar with some cousins, and as my pants were rather tight I had my guitar pick in my mouth and was flipping it around on my tongue. The cracker opening began (homemade crackers - constructed my Mom, Grandma and Aunties) and we shared the jokes we found inside. The joke Uncle Peter received seemed to really tickle my funny bone because I started to laugh. In the process of laughing I inhaled and the guitar pick flew to the back of my throat and stayed there. This prevented breathing. After choking for sometime I was able to manipulate my mouth in such a way that I was able to swallow the pick. Not smart I know. But attempts at expectorating the pick had failed. I looked up at the rest of the family (who had just realized that I was undergoing physical duress) and said, "I swallowed it." Then came the Spanish Inquisition over what I had swallowed and how I had managed to do so. My Mom called the hospital to see if it would be wise to bring me in and they said it would be. So we laced up our boots and drove to the hospital. While we were doing this it became very apparent that the pick was stuck. It had become lodged at the entrance to my stomach and everytime I swallowed my esophagus contracted around it, creating great amounts of pain. It felt to me that I had swallowed a knife. The hospital didn't quite know what to do with me, and as it was Christmas day they didn't have a lot of time to devote to me. So I sat there in pain and waited. After much in decision they finally made a choice to hook my up to an I.V. and pump some natural endorphins into me with the purpose of getting my esophagus to relax. They got me hooked up to the I.V. but by the time they got around to bring around the synthetic chemicals the pick had worked its way down into my stomach and I was no longer in pain. My Mom and I traveled home. We got no Christmas dessert.

The moral of this story is that have that guitar pick ;)

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

A Different Understanding

I have been a Sarah McLachlan fan for many moons now. I am indeed a fan club member, and have 2 fan club tickets for this summer's tour stop in Toronto (if you're a fan, talk to me about obtaining that other ticket). One song has remained my favourite throughout my years of love for this lady's music, and that is Elsewhere. Its one of those universal lyric songs that just seems to have something that relates to me at different stages of my life. So since I'm a cheesy kind of loser the lyrics are here for your reading pleasure.

I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand
I know this love is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
but I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe...
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand
Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got
to live my life the way I feel is right for me
might not be right for you but it's right for me...
I believe...
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand it
I would like to linger here in silence
if I choose to
would you understand it
would you try to understand...

An Open Letter To The Wild Strawberries

Dear Roberta and Ken,

Why have you stopped sharing your beautiful music? I miss it so much. I continue to tease myself with the notion that you are going to come out with that new album.

...Then I look at your site. The gigs haven't been updated since November of 2002, and the News since May of 2003. I have little to cling to. So I clutch the old albums to my bosom and hum musical memories. Sigh.

Please resurrect yourselves and make an old fan happy again.


(the one that swallowed the guitar pick)

Monday, March 22, 2004

Feelings of Inadequacy

Sometimes (read:most) choir makes me feel completely and utterly inadequate. If it weren't for my love of the Lord, my love of singing, and my pig-headed Scotch attitude I wouldn't be in it.

Its just that there are so many super talented people within the choir. And then I look at myself and wonder what I'm bringing to the ensemble. Most of the time I can think of little more than the deliverance of a well timed joke ( the shower....I have a crush on Luther). Other than maybe some hand percussion instruments I cannot play an instrument well enough to help the choir in a performance or practice setting. I can't even play the piano well enough to plunk out notes for myself.

This lack of instrumentation leads to my oh so poor site reading skills. Oh I take risks, and every time I sound like an ass. An ass trying to understand a Mozart alto line. I'm bringing down those who sit near me. Ask them, they'll tell you the truth.

I just shake my head and wonder that with so much dedication and talent available to him, why Dr T would let me back into the choir.

Friday, March 19, 2004


Mom and Pop's credit card has alleviated the airfare problem until the proper funds are raised. Fewsh. Though not all team members are so lucky. Pray for them please.


Coffeehouse was great. Good job by all.

Thanks for playing Ben Harper, Matt!
If only we could get him to do Ben Hepner too!

Wednesday, March 17, 2004


The India team just got an email saying that SIM has to pay for our airline tickets by the 22nd. They don't have money for us/from us, so they need us to pay up front. 2090$! By tomorrow! I'm quite sure that none of us has that money. So if you have 2090$ x 6 = 12540$ laying around and want a charitable receipt for it, please get in touch with me!

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Plug and Play

As I am graduating in 2007 I have made it a priority to make friends with people in first year. It has caused me to reflect on the experiences of being a true first year, and also to just reflect on their comments to me. (side note: thanks to Marijke for saying that i should be nominated for the Student Life Award on the basis that i liked first year at Redeemer so much that i came back to do it again)

Anyway, the term I use to describe the life of a student is Plug and Play. Usually a term associated with technology and the ability to just plug something in and begin using it, without having to install anything.

This I feel gets easier as the years wear on, but when you first move a way from home it is very obvious to you. You move away, you start to change, to become a different person. Then you go home and are expected to be the same person you were when you left. The student is supposed to plug back into the family dynamic as if nothing has happened. When in reality everything has happened.

The jumping point for alleviation of this situation comes from the choice of summer residence. If the student moves home it is merely a quick fix. Everything is jake for the summer and starts again the first time they go home again (though they are older and therefore wiser, and able to handle it better). If they stay away for the summer the family dynamic is forced to make a more permanent change.

that's all I have to say about that.

I don't really have anything to say

Um lets do this in letter form.

Dear You,
How are you? I'm doing well. Though today I am pretty tired and filled with PMS. Mmmm PMS. Should be good for the choir rehearsals. How is your family doing? I heard your Dad got a new job. How is that going for him?

Did you know I'm going to India? Yeah, this summer for 5 weeks. Its with the missions organization SIM. The other people that are going are also from Redeemer. They are Dylon, Simon, Mark, Brian and Alaina (Alaina being the coolest of them all). I'm pretty excited. We'll be running to VBS's, visiting hospital patients and working with existing missionaries. Its kind of nerve wracking too. We each have to raise almost 4000$, and there is a lot of training to do. Though God has already been really good to me in preparation. As a general note, God is cool.

So you remember how my brother used to live in Jersey. Well now he lives in Iowa. What a boy! He's on another scholarship and seems to be having a much better go of it. We are all glad. Though I miss him terribly. I really want to fly down and visit for a weekend or something. He won't be done school until May. That's a long time.

My Mom is doing much better. She has been able to drive into town a few times and is really enjoying the independence. So is my Dad. They also got a new cat. Mom said it was to help Abby overcome her life long shyness. Whatever, his name is Zeus and apparently he is a real boy. I will get to meet him in a few weeks.

Choir is going well. I'm excited about this semester's repitoire. I'm even more excited about the tour. We're going to the east coast. Wooooo! The first stop is in Kingston and my whole family will be there. We're doing a Robbie Burns poem set to music. Very perfect to be sung with a 90 year old man named Sterling Stewart in the audience. Oh Grandpa.

Its snowing quite heavily here. They cancelled night classes. Should be fun for the driving home. Poo.

Well I must be on to other things,

Love and Hugs,


Friday, March 12, 2004

The Aforementioned List

Ok MIB here is my list:

A Title For My List

1. I cut myself on the pickles at work today
2. I'll move on to things I like/love
3. Singing
4. Writing music
5. Discovering a 'new' chord
6. Hugs
7. A great non-romantical boy hug
8. Vanilla Ice Cream
9. Jogging pants
10. Putting on jogging pants after swimming (thanks Rach)
11. Waffle ice cream sandwiches (ask me about those...mmmm..drool)
12a. The voice of Sarah Vaughn
12b. The soul of Billie Holiday
13. The notes of George Gershwin
14. The nutty lyrics of his brother Ira (note: brother, not wife)
15. Jesus
16. God
17. Bible
18. When friends do something that really surprises me (like buy me a banquet ticket and in the same week also buy my livingroom concert)
19. No shoes
20. No socks
21. Pita Pit bacon
22. Cheerios
23. The marshmallows they put in cereal
24. Playing softball
25. Floating
26. A job well done
27. Being absolutely filthy and tired to the bone
28. Knitting
29. Getting real mail
30. When people remember to bring/send postcards for my nerdy collection
31. Presents (i'm selfish ok!)
32. Vanilla Schnapps and Coke
33. The fantasy of having a villa in Portugal with Vincenzo
34. Praying
35. A really great hymn or praise song
36. Dissonant choral repitoire
37. A guilt free weekend
38. Fresh bread
39. My Mom's lasange
40. Marie's Mom's Dutch meatball soup
41. Tim Horton's peach drink (no bottle, no can)
42. When people are nice
43. Traveling
44. Staying home
45. Not wearing pants
46. Sleeping
47. Thinking about sleep
48. Receiving due praise
49. Giving due praise
50. Finishing the list

Tuesday, March 09, 2004


Good ol' Abraham Kuyper. Strictly middle class. What a guy, went crazy, thought some thoughts and then became the Prime Minister of the Netherlands. That puts him in the running against my all time crush: Martin Luther. I also have a crush on Abe Lincoln and the entire bass section of the choir. What can I say? Anyway back to Abe K. He had been raised as a Christian and then the reality of Christ really hit him and he "came to a living faith in Christ". Wow, can I ever relate to that. I wish I knew what that was in Latin, cause then I'd have it tattooed on me somewhere. Kuyp also said this, "There is not a square inch of life of which Christ does not rightly say, 'That is mine.'" So right dude, so right. That's really been part of my Spiritual spring cleaning (sometimes known as Lent); keeping all doors open. Not like He couldn't penetrate them anyway...but you know, you know.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

More Of The Same

I want to invite you to an event happening this coming weekend
(March 5-7th)... The Peace Symposium. There's lots going on, including
two plays on Friday night, a day of discussion around the issue of Fair
Trade on Saturday, a Peace Party on Saturday night, and then some
workshops on cultivating inner peace on Sunday.

The Peace Party on Saturday night might be most interesting to you.
It's taking place at the Staircase Cafe (King and Dundurn) and there
will be several performers (poetry, storytelling, and music etc.) as
well as a showing of the film "Life and Debt". - Lauralee Sim

Kids! I'm playing at the Peace Party from 8pm till maybe 8:30pm. I know lots of you are busy, but seriously come. If you have questions ask and I can try to answer. I know the inner peace thing sounds kinda iffy, but you can always go and protest.