Dealing.

I’m sorry for your loss.
It wasn’t my fault.
I think.

Well I mean that I wasn’t directly involved in crushing all of your dreams.
By which I meant to say that I didn’t want to kill your hope.
What I’m really trying to tell you is that although I don’t act like I love you in the least I really do and though I contribute oh so regularly to the general sinful state of the world I just don’t think it is my fault that you feel this way.

So
Please
Let
Me
Go.

In honour of one year blogging...

Hello faithful readers. Today is my first anniversary of blogging. Its hard to believe that it was only a short year ago that I was in one of my fav basement apartments listening to my landlord having sex and blasting out those first meager posts. Sigh. I wish I could tell you how many posts it has been since then but the blogger counting thingy stopped at 91 posts. I dunno.

Anyway I thought I should do something of a momentous nature in order to celebrate this anniversary. So I'm telling you right here (though quite a few of you already know) that I recorded a very modest album before Christmas and it is available for sale. The price is 8$ and I have to burn it and then print out the cover and that kind of thing. Sort of a by request kind of deal.

The album title is naked. That is because I'm naked in all the pictures....well that and it is only guitar and one vocal line, making it pretty naked. Not to mention the raw emotion that can come through in some of my work. Speaking of work, all the songs were written by me. There are 11 or 12 of them on the disc. Let me know if you want one and we'll work it out.

In the meantime here is the cover:

Sorry Sarah, they didn't have a dork test.

I am 24% Geek.

I wanna be a geek. But I'm not. Why would I even want to be one. Do I think it's fun? I should try writting an online test application at 1 am in my underwear

Take the
Geek Test
@ FualiDotCom

Scathing

Listen, I know that sometimes I fool around in choir rehearsal; trying to lick Sarah Vedder and such but I do that regardless of who is sitting behind the piano or conducting.

I'm sure you (if you are a choir member and this is who this post is directed at) can jump to what point I'm about to make. I don't care if you don't like/respect/care about/have enough scruples to shut up around Dan/Felix/Kathleen/Mary Beth/Naomi..... just practice. Do the work that you came to the rehearsal to do, keep your witty comments in your head, blog about them later, write them down if you need to but don't distract the rest of the choir especially when we are being student led.

I have heard complaining about loosing momentum and passion for the ensemble after completing Messiah. I see that point. But when you sign up for something like this you sign up for the WHOLE year. Yes it has been tough slugging for the past few weeks and will continue to be that way for a while longer. Suck it up. From my vantage point it is that the struggle that makes the music that much more beautiful.

If you are having trouble remaining motivated or mustering up the respect that student leaders deserve please keep your mouth shut. Surely you can do that as a favour to the rest of us.

If you're interested...

...i'm one of the Thresh Uncovered artists. Tonight, 10pm, somewhere in the school, check Time Out.

Lessons learned from the Pit

I have only 3.5 months left at the Pita Pit and I have decided to have an ongoing series of Things I Have Learned From The Pit.

First Installment:

Before working at the Pit I had a bit of a boy problem. If you were a boy you had to fit into 1 of 2 categories; male relative or love interest. You can see how this would bring about many woes. Despite arguments to the contrary, sometimes boys indeed do just want to be friends.

I had tried and tried to learn to just be friends through practice but to no avail. So I prayed that God would help me. And in the most creative way He did. Some of the guys at the Pit have been working there for some time. So have I. At first I was shy around them. Then I came to the realization that I will never date a boy from the Pita Pit. None of them are Christians or really even close to being Christians or really even dateable for me in any conceivable way. Knowing that I would never date one of these guys took a whole lot of stress off of me and I was able to be more of myself and "experiment" with some behaviours.

You know what? One of the guys there has turned out to be one of my closest guy friends. It has been awesome to be liberated from two categories!

So thank you boys of the Pit. Thank you for being so absolutely un-dateable!

Bragging

Uh, I found out at my staff meeting this morning that I am a manager at the #1 Pita Pit in the country! Whoot Whoot!

Aunt Doris

So we have this Great Aunt that lives in the next house down. She's old and she is a widow. She doesn't have much in her life but spying and knowing about the lives of others.

Last year there was a robin's nest on my parents' window sill that our cats were quite interested in. The Mama robin wasn't too keen on the cats. So my Mom put up some white paper to block off the bottom of the window from the cats. That Sunday at church Aunt Doris asked what was up with the paper on the window (this is a second floor window that faces her house - NOT the road).

For kicks since my Mom is stuck in bed she has been getting my Dad and I to put things in that window. There was a nativity oil painting for a long time. And currently there is a cardboard cut out of queen Amadala.

Oh dear.

Thank You

1 Thessalonians 5:5-11 (New International Version)

You are all sons of the light and sons of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness. So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be alert and selfcontrolled. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night. But since we belong to the day, let us be selfcontrolled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Gone But Not Forgotten

Seven years ago today my buddy Aaron died. We weren't that close, but we had a certain understanding. Aaron was one of those dudes who wore Nine Inch Nails and Gwar shirts and painted his fingernails black and died his long hair dark colours. He wore big black boots and listened to heavy music. He smoked just about everything. He was smart, super smart. And he had wit. He had a passion for English and Drama. We had those classes together every year in high school.

In grade 11 our class put on a production of The Jungle Book. Aaron was Shere Khan and I was Bagheera. Like any production the cast gets very tight in the process. Shortly after the production was finished Aaron went to a party. The drugs he brought with him were not getting him high. So he went into the medicine cabinet at the house he was at and found some morphine. The morphine didn't do anything for him, so he took some more. He didn't know they were time release pills. He told his girlfriend that he was sleepy and that she should wake him up in the morning when their ride came. He never woke up.

I was away for the weekend when this happened and when I went to school on Monday I could sense that something was wrong. I went into the main office to do the morning announcements and the Vice Principal told me what had happened. I sat through my first period spare in a daze. My second period class was Drama. Our teacher was great about letting us deal with this shock in whatever way we needed too. My first class after lunch was with Aaron too. The teacher for that English class couldn't even remain in the room. He was too upset.

My Drama teacher arranged to have a field trip to Aaron's funeral. It was packed. Just packed. And at it I learned some things. I knew Aaron was Dutch (his last name is/was Van Vark) but I didn't know he was CRC. The pastor in his sermon talked about how involved Aaron was in the youth group and how he had taught Sunday school and a host of other things. ALL of this was news to me and others. Aaron would not have been the first person I would have said was a Christian. He had never expressed anything about his faith to us. I was blown away.

In the months following his death I struggled to know what I was learning from this event. Don't do drugs...ok, stay out of the medicine cabinet...umm ...I didn't know. Later that year I started to become a Christian and Aaron's death took on a new sort of meaning for me. And now 7 years later that meaning is stronger.

I don't know what I would do if I were to die tonight and people came to my funeral and were surprised that I was a Christian. Would I really be a Christian if there was that surprise? The death of someone I cared for as a friend and as a fellow freaky artsy type shook me up and taught me something that is simple. I need to let Christ permeate all aspects of my life, i.e. let no part of my life be untouched by Him.

Gone

Well, its a rough day. Today is the last day that I see both my brother and Melissa till May.

le sigh.

Meet and Greet

Brassies 7pm with my bro, his gf and nachos! Be there!

Don't Be Bored

Tonight I am playing at the McMaster Habitat for Humanity Coffeehouse. It is in Wentworth House across from the Phoenix (W-House is the building on the left when you turn into Mac). It starts at 8pm. I'm on at 9pm. I don't know what the cover charge is.

Saturday night my brother and I will be hanging out. I think we'll make a brief cameo at the Kim Furtney bon voyage party and then head over to Brassie's around 8:30 or 9. My brother has not sampled their fine, fine nachos. So please join us there and spend some time basking in our sibling wit. Call me if you want to know where we are.

Youth Ministry: Worth more than a cup of coffee?

I remember the joy I felt when I was finally old enough to have my first "spare" in highschool. There was something mystical about that period of the day when you didn't have to sit in class. Oh, and how great was it when you had your spare at a time of day when you could take advantage of it; long lunches, arriving late, leaving early. The bliss. Of course you were expected to be doing work of a scholastic persuasion during this time period. And I'm sure that is what was happening all day long in the cafeteria.

I was not a Christian when I started highschool. It wasn't until the age of 16 that the scales started to fall from my eyes. I was also full of tact, as any teenager was. So as sweeping changes and reforms were happening in my life I made the assumption that my family should be doing the same thing. This resulted in many fights and sore heads from so much butting.

Then there was the guy from Youth for Christ. His name was Daryl and he actually runs the ministry in Northumberland. Once a week he came to my highschool around lunch and would just join various tables in the cafeteria while they ate. Most people knew who he was or that he came weekly. He was there to talk and he was there to listen.

Anytime my world was crumbling I could talk with Daryl. We'd grab a drink from the caf and go for a walk, or to the pier, or just sit. I would tell him about how unfair my parents were being about everything and he would tip the angle of my view just enough that I might see where my parents were coming from. I would cry about the things I wanted to do with my life and he would encourage me to set goals and achieve them. I could ask my new Christian questions without fear of feeling stupid.

Having someone like that around kept me sane, but it also kept me growing and wanting to know more about Christ. I ended up on both the music team and the team to Ghana with that ministry. I also worked for them for a while. And as a result of that love that was shown to me I have a strong desire to pass it along. I am now a Religion & Theology and Theatre major at a Christian university.

Tsunami relief is sorely needed and please give and give till you can give no more. There is terrible suffering happening there. But when you are balancing your budget for this new year please don't forget your local ministries. The ones that are battling the suffering in your backyard.

what was i thinking?

so i was looking for the lyrics to one of my songs on my computer and i found a songless lyric that i wrote in sept...i have zero idea what the muse was for this sucker...enjoy:

I thought things might be different
Then you stuck your foot out
The mud will wash away
But the stain remains

Just tell me how it really is
How you’d like it ‘so’
Tell me how you want it baby
I submit. I’m done

I like it,
I love it,
I want more of it,
I’m your crazy baby
Just ask.

Forgive me for being sassy
Forgive me for being brisk
I thought before I eat the whip
I might get to test the leather

I thought things might be different
I thought they may have changed
I thought we moved locations
Then I remembered you were you.

New Hobby:

Flirting with gas attendant boys at 4 am.

Career

Over the holidays I was asked a lot what I was going to do for a job after university. I gave some standard dodgy replies, but today while taking a crap I had an epiphany. I will design garden gnomes for celebrities. It is so clear to me now. Why didn't I see this before?

New Blogger

Please welcome Lisa Bierma to the blogging family. Clap, clap, hug.

Do you ever..

Do you ever pick up the 11 books for your one class and say to yourself "if this was my only class then I would surely do all the reading"

sigh.

Easier With Age

Today in conversation with Rachel Breimer I discovered that I am not the only one who has started to cry more with age. Rachel concurred that it has been getting easier to cry as she gets older. I was glad that I was not the only one who thought this.

Then I got to thinking, what else has become easier with age. It isn't like I am old, not even a quarter century (23.5 on Christmas day). But there are some things that have indeed needed less effort as I have aged.

The first two that came to mind were listening to country music and drinking less. The drinking I think I can explain. I got a lot of that wild stuff out of my system a while ago. But the country music is baffling me. If you have any suggestions please let me know.

I haven't posted since last year...

Has anyone else's holiday gone entirely too quick? Oy! I feel like it was only a few days ago that I got home from Hamilton and tomorrow I head back. Man oh man.

New Year Fresh Start, Resolution Type Things:

• starting a fitness accountability work-out system with Kat
• less pizza
• less East Side Mario's
• less pitas (or at least less bacon)
• less pop
• more lovin'
• more cleanin'
• maintain my God routine and make it better
• lean on God more and for more
• give more hugs
• slit less throats
• learn to cook well for soon-to-be roommate
• love myself more

There, its out in the open...eek. Providential blessings to you and yer kin for 2005.

Courage grows at the wound.