Struck Down, But Not Destroyed

A little honesty time...

Tonight was disappointing. I had worked for 4 days on the first 'Testimovie' for tonight's Church in the Box and it didn't work: aka it didn't play. Four days of cameras not being available, cameras not working, file extensions being wrong, file extensions taking forever to be changed, snobby Microsoft programs, people not showing up when they were supposed to, etc, etc; only to end up with nothing. But I know its not nothing. After all it was my testimony that was going to be shown. And I know that what I had to say had worth, I think that was what made it a little more disheartening - to be defeated by the limitations of technology and the inner workings of Satan when my own heart was involved. I know that we can show it in October or put it on the CITB website or whatever. But it still hurt.

And I was tired. Do you know what the CITB prayer team does? Do you? Cause before I was on it, I really didn't know. I knew there were prayer servants around after the service or during if you could find them. But I didn't know about all the other stuff. Now, keep in mind that I'm also on the CEW team, so I don't get to spend time during the week with the prayer team, but let me tell you about what goes down on a CITB Sunday for the prayer team: 4 hours before the service starts the PT is meeting. We talk about any issues that have come up concerning the service; things God has told us, etc, and then we move into the aud. Once we're in the aud we spend a good 1-2 hours praying in there: claiming the space as God's sanctuary, for his people. We pray against Satan, who likes to take up residence there, for all of the seats in the aud and the bodies that will come to fill them, for speakers, presentations, technology (HA!), all of that kind of stuff. Then sometimes we're back one hour before the service to pray more, but always we join the rest of the teams half an hour before the service for prayer and devotions. During the service the PT is spread strategically throughout the auditorium for blanket prayer coverage - this includes someone behind the black curtain on the stage. This I feel (at least for me) is where some of the hardest and most draining work comes. Its kinda like everyone is watching the same TV program, but you're also reading the subtitles. Expansion: we're always listening, feeling for what is going on spiritually during a service - if attention is waiving, if Satan is attacking band members; its hard to explain, but I know that I'm watching this whole other thing happen during the service. I have to stop and pray with all that I have at times because of something God has helped me discern. He generally helps me discern at lot during services. He gives me lots of things to pray about at lots of different times. And then there is the after the service prayer - where we meet anyone who needs someone to pray with - both joy and sorrow there - and people who've been hit with a cement mixer named God. But alllll of it is draining. A feeling that you could equate to how you feel after a very long exam; you didn't exactly do anything physical, but man are you tired and drained!

And I'm sick. I've been sick since July. Remember the viral infection pseudo saga? Well it never ended. I just stopped posting. I kept on getting these times of heightened body temperature and shakes and light headedness. It was only around every 7-10 days, and then as it got time for school (and then the starting of school) it was 5-7, 3-5, 1-3 and now I'm shaking every day. The food that I'm eating is keeping me stable headed for less and less time and I struggle to sit through a class or choir without feeling lightheaded, dizzy, heavy or exhausted. Jesus, the doctor and I are working on figuring this one out. But it seems to be taking its time. This week I caught a cold that went on top of this regular sickness. It had me laying on the Van Harten's couch for most of Saturday. Even after laying down for good amounts of time, it felt like I was swimming in my own skull. Fun. Ha. I told my Mom this past week, that I wasn't getting any better. A little while after she sent me an email in which she told me that if my involvement with CITB was going to be a toll on my health then maybe I should not be doing it. I told her that I would rather add a semester to my degree than resign from my position (one I feel excessively called to) with CITB.

So you put sick x2 and spiritually drained in the same bag as disappointment (shaken around by hard work) and you get a pretty deflated Laura. But, like the title of this post says, I'm struck down, but not destroyed. Heather VH was kind enough to point out that Satan likes to take advantage of me in times like this; that he can lead me to times of beating up on myself. This is true. She and others pointed out that perhaps the Testimovie foible was setting up something else. Or that perhaps God is trying to tell me something that I hadn't heard yet. Regardless it requires listening - a skill I have been sharpening lately. I relish the time in which I get to ask God questions, when he tells me things, when we simply 'be'. And it is these times that get me through the disappointment (and the joy).