Neutralizing My Beauty

I, like many other women this summer, am reading the John and Stasi Eldredge book Captivating. It was a birthday present from my esteemed friend Melissa Kuipers. She was reading and thought of me. So in some defense of my usual self, I haven't become a trendy Christian over night.

Anyway...I've been reading the book and quite enjoying it. There have been many things said that I both agree with and identify with. My eyes have been opened in many respects. Last night I was reading in chapter entitled Wounded. It talks about femininity in the context of relationships as a child and young woman and how that effects us now. There was one sentence that really caught me and has been taking up brain space all day.

The particular sentence comes in the context of things women do to hide their beauty. This is what spoke to me: "Or we neutralize our beauty by putting up protective, defensive walls that warn others to keep their distance." As a younger woman I had lots and lots and lots of walls to protect myself. And over time God has worked with me break many of them down. It has been a hard but refining process. It was/is also a necessary process. But I had never thought about the defensive walls as being something I did to sabotage myself and my beauty. I thought they were purely for protection.

I have been mulling recently over relationships and my desire to be in one with a man. God and I talk about this frequently and we have worked a few things out and I have been trying to adhere to His timeline, not mine. Though in the past month a couple of my close/long time single friends have started to date. I also see people much more broken than myself, people more eccentric, and more out there than I who have significant others. Why don't I?

Then it struck me. Am I putting up walls to neutralize the entirety of my God given beauty and sending signals that I want to be left alone? I know that I am a relatively independent person, but am I really telling guys to leave me alone? I've been trying to come up with some answers. I haven't actually asked any males yet, but females comment that I am intimidating. Am I intimidating someone that God has set aside for me? Am I intimidating myself?

I don't have those answers right now.