Normative...Not!

Due to certain terrible, terrible pains while trying to use the left side of my mouth to chew I need to go to the dentist.

My appointment is at 8am this morning. Yup, 8am on a Monday morning, the dentist. Since I haven't been to a dentist since the summer of '03, I can only assume that this will be nothing but a pleasant experience.

Cough.

The World Would Be A Better Place

There are many things that I covet - or maybe its not that I covet them, because I don't necessarily know people or places that have them. I think it might be that I'm greedy and have a sense of self entitlement - yup, that's it.

I think this post might start a series about things I think I should own, and I think the world would be a better place if I owned them. Sometimes the universe should just pony up and get me these tools to fantasticness. In the meantime I'll just keep pining (no fjords).

Today's thing 'o necessity is this:


If you guessed that it is a 1 1/2" Button Maker Machine with Graphic Punch and 250 Button Parts from buybuttonparts.com you'd be right! Good for you! Let's talk a little more about this exciting collection of bits shall we?

This combo contains:

• the Button Maker Model #150, which produces standard 1-1/2" buttons, it can make a magnet, bull dog clip or key chain simply by assembling a button without a pin and adding the neccesary accessories
• 1 1/2" Graphic Punch (aka the guy who cuts out the circles for you)
• 250 pinback button sets

Can we just sit for a minute and dream about the fun buttons I could be making - oh man... the hilarity, the communication, the wonderment. I can scarcely believe that there are only 357 U.S. dollars (plus shipping and handling) standing between me and some awesome pieces of metal that would aid me in making some rad, rad, world bettering buttons.

How can the universe be so cruel as to not have provided me with one thus far. Sigh... someday.

The Despising

It is not really a hidden fact that I really despise doing dishes. The other day in the act of doing said despised activity I came to a few conclusions on why there is so much despising.

1. "Old" food - I'm a finicky princess and I don't like dealing/touching with food that has been all mucked up, may have been in or near someone else's mouth and I especially don't like touching it after it's been in the sink for 10 minutes and has become soggy "old" food.
2. Back pain - there are few sinks that are at just the right height and closeness to the counter that don't cause me to bend and begin to ache as begin to wash the plates.
   
3. Excema - I have excema on my hands, it is worsened by exposure to moisture. A sink full of dishes in water is quite moist. I love itchy, red hands that have a rash on the palms and fingers. It is my favourite.

It made sense to my itchy hands, sore back and alerted gag reflex that dishes might not be their best friend.

So there, that that dishes!

Heads Up Players

I've moved back to the Hammer.

I'm Gonna Miss Dottie

At Least You Didn't Do This

I hope you didn't do this. If you did, I'm sorry.

Good Point

www.toothpastefordinner.com

I <3 Hawksley Workman

(i took this picture... from the front row...)

Siiiigh. Droool. Giiiive birth to love child.

CMO

Current musical obsession: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover - Paul Simon

Out With The Old And In With The New

Many thanks to Jill for the gift of fresh Burt's.

Sometimes...

Sometimes you're walking on a sunny day. Sometimes you're just walking home, lost in thought, lapping up the vitamin D. And then sometimes you hear a voice. A voice that loudly says, "Help Me Down The Streeeet!" Sometimes you turn to see a man who looks to be in his eighties and in a wheelchair. Who is no longer in possession of one of his legs from the knee down and who is clutching a 12 of Lakeport on his lap while he tries to propel himself down the sidewalk with his one full leg.

Sometimes that was this afternoon.

I turned and looked at him and decided I could indeed push him down the sidewalk for a little bit. I set a boundary - told him I was cutting off that street in a few blocks (which I was). He said that was fine and then proceeded to preach from his wheelchair about how "nobody wants to do shit for nobody! Everybody only looks out for themselves!" He went on about this theme of selfishness until we neared the corner I was going to leave him at. He looked and pointed diagonally across the street, "you see there, where that guy is standing?" "Yeah." "That's where I need to go." "By the pizza place?" "That's no pizza place, its a shit hole!" "...Ok."

I figure I can wheel this guy through the intersection and one more block to this building. As we're standing and waiting for the light to change so that we may safely cross, he looks in the direction that he had previously pointed in and starts yelling "A-hole! (he said the whole word) AAAAAHOLE!" I noticed a spike in the mixed emotions I was having about being associated with him and began to push a little faster. When we reached the other side his shouts got more specific and I came, as he yelled "A-HOLE, ROBBIE YOU A-HOLE!", to notice that it hadn't been the pizza place that was his destination but this supposed a-hole named Robbie.

Robbie met us half way up the block. I asked him if he was going to take over the pushing. He told me he would. I interpreted from my elderly wheelchair acquaintance, that Robbie was supposed to have helped him get home from the nearby Beer Store and was delinquent in that duty. Robbie thanked me profusely, and asked God to bless me. As I walked away feeling good about what I had done, I heard this beautiful mixed chorus of traffic, Robbie's thankful praises and wheelchair dude screaming "A-HOLE!".

Amen.

Chalk It Up

Here are some more pictures of the He Is Risen sidewalk chalk piece I did in Saturday's sunset.

Inspiration came from having mulled some things over in my head while out for a walk. I had thought about the (unbeeeaaaaarable) tension of the time between the crucifixion and the resurrection, but how we are all children of the resurrection, so what does that tension mean to us? To me it was reconciling the state of the sinful world we live in with the undeserving gift we receive in the resurrection of Christ at Easter. I had also found myself trying to place myself in the narratives of holy week and simply not being able to fully comprehend what that would have been like - to be around a crucifixion or to be killed so brutally for so many thankless people. So this piece for me, was an attempt to express some of my (unbeeeeaaarrrable) tension at the joy that is always there/here, the confusion and hurt that was there, and the pain and distortion that is here.

Duck, Duck...

He Is Risen

Birth Control

You know how they have Take Your Kids To Work day? Well I was thinking about another day/night they should have for high school aged people (or really anyone considering bringing spawn into the world) - a sort of birth control, abstinence, safe sex over night trip. The trip would involve staying with a family that had children while the children were puking or having bad colds in the middle of the night. The victim/teenager/adult would be on bucket brigade and mop duty (or carpet stain removal). I don't know, but dealing with multiple puking little ones at 3am doesn't make me horny.

I tried to come up with some pithy slogans for this initiative. This was the best I could come up with - feel free to add your own...

• Other people's kids: making you less horny since they started puking at 3am.
• Think you're ready to be a Daddy, tough guy? Explain to your 18 month old why he can't breath.
• Does puke make you puke? Then keep your pants on!
• The 100% successful birth control - a combination of other people's kids and abstinence.
• Don't be a chump. Before you hump, think about a night of runny stuff coming out of their rump. (too far?)
• Abstinence; it-snot the worst thing that ever happened to you.
• Cough, cough, cough, cough, what? Keep it in your drawers.
• Nothin' spells lovin' like vomit chunk covered laundry in the middle of the night!
  

How To Earn A Dollar (In 15 Easy Steps)

1. Begin clearing kitchen table
2. Notice bowl of hot peppers
3. Notice loony sitting in front of friend
4. Notice urge to put a hot pepper in your nose
5. Express urge to put hot pepper in your nose
6. Listen to friend offer 1$ in return for putting the hot pepper in your nose and then eating it
7. Let friend pick the pickled hot pepper ring
   
8. Take hot pepper and insert pickled hot pepper ring fully into one nostril
9. Sniff (at request of friend)
10. Carefully remove hot pepper from nose
11. Put hot pepper in mouth
12. Chew
13. Swallow
14. Go upstairs and blow your nose and feel your nose ring throbbing
15. Put loony in wallet
    

Thank You Melissa

And a little addition to the make-out session I had with bacon in the post below...

Kosher Cloven Hooves

Its no secret that I have a deep, deep love for bacon. It is that love that causes me to state that I am middle aged. Come on heart disease, I'm gonna be dead by 50!

Yesterday I was doing a little link surfing and discovered this: http://baconsalt.com/ - from the website: "Bacon Salt is a fat free, zero calorie, low sodium, vegetarian, Kosher, seasoning salt that makes everything taste like bacon."

Get off the floor - its true, this is a real product and now I know how my gift idea lists are going to look for the next while:

1. Bacon Salt - original
2. Bacon Salt - hickory
3. Bacon Salt - peppered
4. Bacon Salt - jalapeno
   
5. Mac Book Pro (pref preloaded with Final Cut)
6. Baconnaise
7. Bacon Salt - mesquite
8. Bacon Salt t-shirt
   

These guys have a blog that you should probably go to. It is here: http://www.baconsaltblog.com/ They are also on Twitter, Facebook and Myspace.

But while we're on the subject of bacon... a little more link surfing brought me to this blog: http://iheartbaconsalt.com/ - it will likely be the inspiration for the menu at my wedding reception (and rest of my life). While I was scanning through the blog I remembered this old gem:



I may have also found out this evening that a coffee shop/local eatery near my place is open 24/7 and that their breakfast sandwiches are available at any time of day. When the woman at the counter told me this I interpreted the details thusly, "So you're telling me there is bacon available 24 hours a day?"

I don't know what the appropriate substitution for Cheers! would be with bacon... maybe Sizzle! sure, its that.

Sizzle! (here's pork on your fork)

I Want To Go In A Similar Way

Probably you should watch this:

Important Life Lesson

Even if you wash your hands after, it is good to remember to put your contact lenses in before you put muscle rub on.

Oh the burning.

Treat Of All Adventure Movies

I went to the library the other day to pick up some movies. One of my selections was The African Queen. I enjoyed watching it as a kid and I haven't seen it in years. I noticed some Asian characters on the case, but didn't think pay them much attention. When I got home I read the synopsis on the back of the case:

During World War I, a hard drinking river trader Charles and a prim missionary Rose are forced to take an adventurous river expedition together. Throughout the voyage, they encounter tropical hazards, nefarious German officers and a surprising romance. The film takes the eventful location in Uganda in Africa and it is a rare treat of all adventure movies.

I have a hunch this may have been written by someone whose first language is not English. Regardless, it made me smile.

Last Wednesday

On the 18th of March, local artist Jenni Haas set to work on a new project. She finished it that night too.

Here is how it looked before:




And after:

Milestone

30 years ago today these two cats were married.



Congratulations Mom and Dad on reaching such a cool milestone.
I love you both.

Good For The Ego

I got legitimately beat in cards by a 5 year old this weekend.

Ouch.

One Of Life's Little Annoyances

Don't you just love waking up ravenously hungry?

HEY! Stomach! Do I not get to you every morning? Ok, then chill, your time will come.

Bah.