www.nataliedee.com
Showing posts with label bacon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bacon. Show all posts
Thursday, March 01, 2012
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Bacon Tree
This joke comes by way of the beautiful Nikki Gerrits (who got it from her Mom):
(please forgive any racial stereotyping)
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ..... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
(please forgive any racial stereotyping)
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ..... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
What Else Would This Be About?
Straight from the good people at Monkey Goggles, we have the Bacon Eater's Manifesto Part 1...
This document is a recently discovered artifact of an organization that existed in America during the 1950s. The Society for Culinary Acceptance of Bacon competed for membership with the Masons and Oddfellows during the height of secret fraternal organizations. SCAB didn’t hide itself behind secrets and mystical ceremonies like most groups, it was just a bunch of guys that really liked bacon.
Still, they produced several important written documents, including this recently-uncovered Bacon Eater’s Manifesto. Although its language and some of its attitudes may appear outdated, we present a section of it because its central wisdom still holds true today.
The Bacon Eater’s Manifesto
Before beginning, we must acknowledge bacon as the most perfect food that has ever or will ever exist. It is the food which holds the perfect balance of fat and salt. The crispiness to withstand even the moistest sandwich and the heartiness to make even a salad edible. We sing the praises of bacon. We dance in its honor. We close our eyes and inhale deeply allowing its scent to enter our bodies and fill us with happiness as if we were human balloons and the bacon is God’s breath.
Bacon is also the universal food, for it is not elitist fancy-pants eating. It is enjoyed by everyone from the lowliest hobo to the wealthiest Wall Street tycoon. Even Mr. Rockefeller himself is known to partake in bacon during breaks from counting his large stacks of money. It is the chosen last meal of death row inmates and the first thing men ask for after being rescued from desert islands. After all, if you were stranded on an island, would you rather have a beautiful woman or endless bacon? The choice is clear.
We suggest renaming the pig to something more descriptive of its purpose. This animal should be renamed “living bacon” or “bacon with legs” so as not to hide that inner beauty it holds. The swine lives in filth, but just as plants grow from manure, so does the seed of bacon take hold in the swill of mud and garbage and grow into the redwood of meats. Bacon.
Now that we have paid proper homage to bacon, we name ourselves as eaters of bacon and set forth our purpose and pathway. These are the truths we live by and hold sacred.
1. There is nothing that cannot be improved by the addition of bacon.
Some might hold out sweets as being spoiled by adding bacon or a gourmet chef might say that the balance of a dish will be upset by the addition of bacon, but we state here and now that they are wrong. There is no food, or indeed no event, that cannot be improved with the addition of bacon. A single slice of bacon can act as a magnifying glass on the smallest amount of goodness or happiness in something, and magnify it to skyscraper size.
2. Bacon may shorten your life, but what is life without bacon?
Doctors, health nuts and vegetarians are constantly whispering in our ears that bacon poses some kind of health risk. That your life would be longer without it. But, we ask, what is your life without it? It’s a cupcake without frosting. A marriage without love. A summer without a sunny day. Quality of life must be taken into consideration when choosing your food. Do not waste time with green beans and squash; fill all the empty moments with the king of meat.
3. Bacon is the best thing at a breakfast buffet.
Loading up on toast or eggs is a tragedy. For they are simply buffer foods to distract you from bacon.
4. Bacon is so delicious, some people claim it wrote the works of Shakespeare.
We have our doubts that it did. For if bacon could write, why would it write something so boring and inscrutable to the common man?
5. The greatest odor in the world is the smell of cooking bacon.
If one were to truly and dutifully bottle its essence, even a woman plain as tap water could attract a square-jawed, Hollywood dreamboat. If it were promised that heaven smelled like bacon, surely men would do no evil from that moment forward.
—————————————————————————-
The document then goes on to describe the ceremonial eating and enjoyment of bacon as practiced by those that know it best. You can read the second part here.
- David Wahl
This document is a recently discovered artifact of an organization that existed in America during the 1950s. The Society for Culinary Acceptance of Bacon competed for membership with the Masons and Oddfellows during the height of secret fraternal organizations. SCAB didn’t hide itself behind secrets and mystical ceremonies like most groups, it was just a bunch of guys that really liked bacon.
Still, they produced several important written documents, including this recently-uncovered Bacon Eater’s Manifesto. Although its language and some of its attitudes may appear outdated, we present a section of it because its central wisdom still holds true today.
The Bacon Eater’s Manifesto
Before beginning, we must acknowledge bacon as the most perfect food that has ever or will ever exist. It is the food which holds the perfect balance of fat and salt. The crispiness to withstand even the moistest sandwich and the heartiness to make even a salad edible. We sing the praises of bacon. We dance in its honor. We close our eyes and inhale deeply allowing its scent to enter our bodies and fill us with happiness as if we were human balloons and the bacon is God’s breath.
Bacon is also the universal food, for it is not elitist fancy-pants eating. It is enjoyed by everyone from the lowliest hobo to the wealthiest Wall Street tycoon. Even Mr. Rockefeller himself is known to partake in bacon during breaks from counting his large stacks of money. It is the chosen last meal of death row inmates and the first thing men ask for after being rescued from desert islands. After all, if you were stranded on an island, would you rather have a beautiful woman or endless bacon? The choice is clear.
We suggest renaming the pig to something more descriptive of its purpose. This animal should be renamed “living bacon” or “bacon with legs” so as not to hide that inner beauty it holds. The swine lives in filth, but just as plants grow from manure, so does the seed of bacon take hold in the swill of mud and garbage and grow into the redwood of meats. Bacon.
Now that we have paid proper homage to bacon, we name ourselves as eaters of bacon and set forth our purpose and pathway. These are the truths we live by and hold sacred.
1. There is nothing that cannot be improved by the addition of bacon.
Some might hold out sweets as being spoiled by adding bacon or a gourmet chef might say that the balance of a dish will be upset by the addition of bacon, but we state here and now that they are wrong. There is no food, or indeed no event, that cannot be improved with the addition of bacon. A single slice of bacon can act as a magnifying glass on the smallest amount of goodness or happiness in something, and magnify it to skyscraper size.
2. Bacon may shorten your life, but what is life without bacon?
Doctors, health nuts and vegetarians are constantly whispering in our ears that bacon poses some kind of health risk. That your life would be longer without it. But, we ask, what is your life without it? It’s a cupcake without frosting. A marriage without love. A summer without a sunny day. Quality of life must be taken into consideration when choosing your food. Do not waste time with green beans and squash; fill all the empty moments with the king of meat.
3. Bacon is the best thing at a breakfast buffet.
Loading up on toast or eggs is a tragedy. For they are simply buffer foods to distract you from bacon.
4. Bacon is so delicious, some people claim it wrote the works of Shakespeare.
We have our doubts that it did. For if bacon could write, why would it write something so boring and inscrutable to the common man?
5. The greatest odor in the world is the smell of cooking bacon.
If one were to truly and dutifully bottle its essence, even a woman plain as tap water could attract a square-jawed, Hollywood dreamboat. If it were promised that heaven smelled like bacon, surely men would do no evil from that moment forward.
—————————————————————————-
The document then goes on to describe the ceremonial eating and enjoyment of bacon as practiced by those that know it best. You can read the second part here.
- David Wahl
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Can We Talk About This Girl For A Minute?
This is Chelsea L.
This lady is originally from the United States of America. There are a few products that one can get in that country that one cannot easily obtain up here in the great, snowy, sled dog laiden north. While visiting a grocery store in her country of origin recently she remembered one of these products and checked to see if they had it.
She came back and presented me with this:
Chelsea L - you get 1,000 points and a large chunk of my love.
This lady is originally from the United States of America. There are a few products that one can get in that country that one cannot easily obtain up here in the great, snowy, sled dog laiden north. While visiting a grocery store in her country of origin recently she remembered one of these products and checked to see if they had it.
She came back and presented me with this:
Chelsea L - you get 1,000 points and a large chunk of my love.
Friday, October 09, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
We Will Survive
From Monkey Goggles:
How to Survive the Bacon Apocalypse
Bacon is fallen. The salty paragon has enjoyed a terrific burst of stardom these past few years — bacon martinis, bacon-filled chocolates, bacon-flavored mayonnaise and other culinary landmarks almost too wondrous to describe — but the recent outbreak of Swine Flu has taken the sizzle off the strip. Baconnaise has become a favorite Jon Stewart punchline (despite the fact that it contains no actual bacon), and in a May 2009 Stranger article titled “The End of Baconmania,” writer Erica C. Barnett declared, “(I’ll take a) fresh radish dipped in butter … over a fatty, greasy hunk of bacon any day.” (lstew's note - I'll be tracking Ms. Barnett down and promptly punching her in the neck and then eating a package of bacon in front of her while she tries to get up)
Thus are the fatty excesses of Baconmania condemned to the freezer-can of history. Radishes. Wow.
I could never give up on bacon. It occupies a dedicated place in my heart that’s both spiritual and potentially life-threatening. Granted, I didn’t jump into the frying pan with the rest of the baconistas – I consider bacon “martinis” to be an abomination of both the breakfast and cocktail hours – but I can’t imagine a hearty breakfast without bacon, and I don’t want to. I love it lean or streaky, smoked or peppered, chewy or crispy. I enjoy simply looking at it – one long, gently bowing strip on either side of my eggs and toast, like edible parenthesis.
However, I completely understand if you’d like to keep your own passion for bacon in check until this plague of Hamthrax has passed. Perhaps you’re leery of blurting out “Hey, howzabout that bacon?” at social functions, where the mere mention of pork-barrel politics could render you suspect as a motorboat riding the wake of a supertanker — a possible baconeer.
It is at that moment, when the eyes of your peers are upon you, that you should burst forth with “Hey, howzabout that mac ‘n’ cheese?”
An electric pause will hang in the air as heads swim and eyes roll in expressions of naked ecstasy. Yes, of course! What better to replace one cholesterol-heavy dish than another, even more cholesterol-heavy dish? A dish that evokes childhood happiness as well as adult rebellion? A dish that could be made at home with store-bought ingredients, or enjoyed in hoity-toity restaurants with the same ingredients at three times the price? What indeed?
And like bacon, thee possibilities for hybrid mac ‘n’ cheese creations are virtually limitless in number. I’ve already seen deep-fried mac ‘n’ cheese balls in some of the finer establishments, and it’s only a matter of time before mac ‘n’ cheese salads, mac ‘c’cheese ice cream and even mac ‘n’ cheese martinis make their appearances. And through it all, we can continue to live the bacon adventure in what will become a judgment-free environment, while also enjoying what a mac ‘n’ cheese renaissance has to offer.
Not convinced? Then consider this: Late at night, behind locked doors and drawn curtains, we can even put bacon into our mac ‘n’ cheese. It’s as perfect an expression of Yankee ingenuity as you’ll ever taste.
Hmm. Now that I’ve said that, it seems like an awful lot of fat and calories to put down in one sitting. You may want to eat a vegetable of some kind afterward to keep yourself from going into shock. A radish, maybe.
How to Survive the Bacon Apocalypse
Bacon is fallen. The salty paragon has enjoyed a terrific burst of stardom these past few years — bacon martinis, bacon-filled chocolates, bacon-flavored mayonnaise and other culinary landmarks almost too wondrous to describe — but the recent outbreak of Swine Flu has taken the sizzle off the strip. Baconnaise has become a favorite Jon Stewart punchline (despite the fact that it contains no actual bacon), and in a May 2009 Stranger article titled “The End of Baconmania,” writer Erica C. Barnett declared, “(I’ll take a) fresh radish dipped in butter … over a fatty, greasy hunk of bacon any day.” (lstew's note - I'll be tracking Ms. Barnett down and promptly punching her in the neck and then eating a package of bacon in front of her while she tries to get up)
Thus are the fatty excesses of Baconmania condemned to the freezer-can of history. Radishes. Wow.
I could never give up on bacon. It occupies a dedicated place in my heart that’s both spiritual and potentially life-threatening. Granted, I didn’t jump into the frying pan with the rest of the baconistas – I consider bacon “martinis” to be an abomination of both the breakfast and cocktail hours – but I can’t imagine a hearty breakfast without bacon, and I don’t want to. I love it lean or streaky, smoked or peppered, chewy or crispy. I enjoy simply looking at it – one long, gently bowing strip on either side of my eggs and toast, like edible parenthesis.
However, I completely understand if you’d like to keep your own passion for bacon in check until this plague of Hamthrax has passed. Perhaps you’re leery of blurting out “Hey, howzabout that bacon?” at social functions, where the mere mention of pork-barrel politics could render you suspect as a motorboat riding the wake of a supertanker — a possible baconeer.
It is at that moment, when the eyes of your peers are upon you, that you should burst forth with “Hey, howzabout that mac ‘n’ cheese?”
An electric pause will hang in the air as heads swim and eyes roll in expressions of naked ecstasy. Yes, of course! What better to replace one cholesterol-heavy dish than another, even more cholesterol-heavy dish? A dish that evokes childhood happiness as well as adult rebellion? A dish that could be made at home with store-bought ingredients, or enjoyed in hoity-toity restaurants with the same ingredients at three times the price? What indeed?
And like bacon, thee possibilities for hybrid mac ‘n’ cheese creations are virtually limitless in number. I’ve already seen deep-fried mac ‘n’ cheese balls in some of the finer establishments, and it’s only a matter of time before mac ‘n’ cheese salads, mac ‘c’cheese ice cream and even mac ‘n’ cheese martinis make their appearances. And through it all, we can continue to live the bacon adventure in what will become a judgment-free environment, while also enjoying what a mac ‘n’ cheese renaissance has to offer.
Not convinced? Then consider this: Late at night, behind locked doors and drawn curtains, we can even put bacon into our mac ‘n’ cheese. It’s as perfect an expression of Yankee ingenuity as you’ll ever taste.
Hmm. Now that I’ve said that, it seems like an awful lot of fat and calories to put down in one sitting. You may want to eat a vegetable of some kind afterward to keep yourself from going into shock. A radish, maybe.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Give The (Mostly) Non Kosher Gift Of Love
Let's say you're sitting around and you're thinking, "Dag, that Lstew is a great ol' gal. I'd love to encourage her. I think I will do that by buying her a gift." Now, this thought might come to you because it's leading up to the 25th of June or the 25th of December (aka birthday and Christmas). Or maybe you've noticed me working hard and want to help reward me. Or maybe it's a day ending in 'y'. Who is to say? Regardless of what brings on this beautiful inspiration, I have a few ideas for you as you choose to express your love.
Now, it is no secret that I love bacon. While noodling around on a great website, I stumbled upon a goldmine of bacon related gifts. Rather than a lot of descriptions, why don't I break it down for you list style:
Oink.
Now, it is no secret that I love bacon. While noodling around on a great website, I stumbled upon a goldmine of bacon related gifts. Rather than a lot of descriptions, why don't I break it down for you list style:
- bacon soap
- a bacon belt
- bacon watch
- bacon floss
- bacon gumballs
- bacon jelly beans
- bacon bandages
- bacon wallet
- uncle oinker's gummi bacon (funny, i haven't seen this uncle at any family events recently)
- bacon mints
- a bacon pennent
- bacon air freshener
- what would bacon do deluxe spin folder
- bacon placemats
- bacon toothpicks
- bacon wrapping paper (great for wrapping up all the gifts you got)
- metal bacon dome lunch box
- mr. bacon t-shirt
Oink.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Thank You Melissa
And a little addition to the make-out session I had with bacon in the post below...
Friday, April 03, 2009
Kosher Cloven Hooves
Its no secret that I have a deep, deep love for bacon. It is that love that causes me to state that I am middle aged. Come on heart disease, I'm gonna be dead by 50!
Yesterday I was doing a little link surfing and discovered this: http://baconsalt.com/ - from the website: "Bacon Salt is a fat free, zero calorie, low sodium, vegetarian, Kosher, seasoning salt that makes everything taste like bacon."
Get off the floor - its true, this is a real product and now I know how my gift idea lists are going to look for the next while:
But while we're on the subject of bacon... a little more link surfing brought me to this blog: http://iheartbaconsalt.com/ - it will likely be the inspiration for the menu at my wedding reception (and rest of my life). While I was scanning through the blog I remembered this old gem:
I may have also found out this evening that a coffee shop/local eatery near my place is open 24/7 and that their breakfast sandwiches are available at any time of day. When the woman at the counter told me this I interpreted the details thusly, "So you're telling me there is bacon available 24 hours a day?"
I don't know what the appropriate substitution for Cheers! would be with bacon... maybe Sizzle! sure, its that.
Sizzle! (here's pork on your fork)
Yesterday I was doing a little link surfing and discovered this: http://baconsalt.com/ - from the website: "Bacon Salt is a fat free, zero calorie, low sodium, vegetarian, Kosher, seasoning salt that makes everything taste like bacon."
Get off the floor - its true, this is a real product and now I know how my gift idea lists are going to look for the next while:
- Bacon Salt - original
- Bacon Salt - hickory
- Bacon Salt - peppered
- Bacon Salt - jalapeno
- Mac Book Pro (pref preloaded with Final Cut)
- Baconnaise
- Bacon Salt - mesquite
- Bacon Salt t-shirt
But while we're on the subject of bacon... a little more link surfing brought me to this blog: http://iheartbaconsalt.com/ - it will likely be the inspiration for the menu at my wedding reception (and rest of my life). While I was scanning through the blog I remembered this old gem:
I may have also found out this evening that a coffee shop/local eatery near my place is open 24/7 and that their breakfast sandwiches are available at any time of day. When the woman at the counter told me this I interpreted the details thusly, "So you're telling me there is bacon available 24 hours a day?"
I don't know what the appropriate substitution for Cheers! would be with bacon... maybe Sizzle! sure, its that.
Sizzle! (here's pork on your fork)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)